Desire to Believe
While preaching to the apostate Zoramites in the land of Antionum, Alma came across a group of the poor, the despised, and cast out. To these he directed his attention for he found that they were poor in spirit and their poverty had humbled them. They were prepared to receive the word from Alma. Alma responded to them saying,
"It is well that ye are cast out of your synagogues, that ye may be humble, and that ye may learn wisdom; for it is necessary that ye should learn wisdom; for it is because that ye are cast out, that ye are despised of your brethren because of your exceeding poverty, that ye are brought to a lowliness of heart; for ye are necessarily brought to be humble. And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved. And now, as I said unto you, that because ye were compelled to be humble ye were blessed, do ye not suppose that they are more blessed who truly humble themselves because of the word?" (Alma 32:12-14).
We often find that it is experience which motivates profound new truths. We often hear "I learned something from the experience." In this context the experience is often had because the lesson had not previously been learned. The painful burn of the stove taught not to touch the hot plate. The late night of fun before an early morning taught the value of an early bed time. The pain of repentance taught avoidance of sin.
How is it that experience teaches us? Does it really teach us at all? When was the last time you found yourself "learning" the same lessons "again?" Have you found that at times you repeat the same mistakes only to realize again that you obtained the same results on a previous occasion and had before vowed to change? Such is the need for the Saviors instruction to forgive until 70 times 7 times. We recognize this instruction in it's application to others, but how often do we think of it's relevance to ourselves?
I have though recently of a great dilemma within myself. It not only relates to this process of experience, but to the teaching of Alma to the apostate Zoramites as well. Let me return to the situation of a person continually "learning" the same lessons, yet not applying them to the future. I have heard it said that a definition of insanity is to do the same act, yet to expect different results from repeated attempts. Such behavior reminds me of Alma's council to his son Corrianton that, "wickedness never was happiness." (Alma 41:10). Who else but the Enemy of Happiness could convince that the pain and anguish from past sin would not apply to future behavior?
With this setting I would like to lean to another set of scriptures dealing with our behavior, and its motivation. Nephi lamented for "the temptations and the sins which [did] so easily beset him." And he spoke saying, "And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins." (2 Nephi 4:18-19).
It seems so easy to say, yet do we always do what we desire to do? My dilemma resurfaces.
The Lord has made many references to our desires in relation to our eternal destiny and our goals. Alma spoke to his son of the effect of our desires on our eternal station.
And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged
according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of
their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that
which is good. And if their works are evil they shall be restored unto them for evil.
Therefore, all things shall be restored to their proper order, every thing to its natural
framemortality raised to immortality, corruption to incorruptionraised to endless
happiness to inherit the kingdom of God, or to endless misery to inherit the kingdom of
the devil, the one on one hand, the other on the other--The one raised to happiness
according to his desires of happiness, or good according to his desires of good; and the
other to evil according to his desires of evil; for as he has desired to do evil all the
day long even so shall he have his reward of evil when the night cometh. (Alma 41:3-5).
There is an explicit correlation between our desires and our actions. In fact it is naturally supposed that what we are flows from the desires we have and the cations those desires unfold. The Lord himself revealed that, "I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts." (D&C 137:9).
Where does desire come from? Faith itself is a gift.(Moroni 10:11), so what about desire? Where can we turn to curb our desires, which we know are wrong? When our hearts are sorrowful because we continue to suffer from the same rut in our lives, what can we look to? How can those who so easily follow truth and righteousness appreciate those who struggle to be righteous? How can they appreciate the efforts of those same people who cannot even cleanse themselves of the desire to be evil? What is it to feel as Nephi, the desire to rejoice, yet to be burdened with the weight of the sin? There are times for some when that burden and weight seems heavier than they are able to bear. With the knowledge that God judges based on our desires, what can be done by those who want to change, who no longer want to "desire" evil.
How can we fight the relentless suffering form sin?
When there is nowhere left, what to do?
When every ounce of personal conviction has failed to sustain you in a quest for perfection. . .
Is it time to give up?
Are you beaten?
Now Alma "beheld that their afflictions had truly humbled them, and that they were in a preparation to hear the word." There is an important edge, a moment when all of eternity hangs on an event, on the exercise of agency. "For a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy." (Alma 32:13). There is no guarantee that when this bleakest of all points is reached one will turn to the light. It is perhaps the most scary part of the world we willingly entered, and to which our Father sent us, that some of us might not choose the path leading back to our eternal home.
Amid the sorrow and the anguish is the Savior. To the weary and the troubled he offers his solace, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" (D&C 122:8). Despite the billowing surge, the fierce winds, the blackness of the soul as well as of the heavens, the gaping jaws of hell, such things bring us experience. They bring us to submission, and into the arms of the Savior. He alone can console, despite any sorrow, and he has the power to offer peace, not as the world giventh, but as he alone can give.
Alma's first step to those in preparation to hear the word was an experiment.
"Awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27).
Even if ye can no more than desire to believe.
I would assert that when there is nothing left for you to give you have only submission. When all you have left to offer the Lord in exchange for his Divine help is a broken heart and a contrite spirit, you have finally "learned" from your experience. All the better if you can reach this point sooner rather than later. Once there, the Lord can make of us what he will. He will that we be pure, and clean. With that seed of desire, even no more than a desire to believe, ye may let it work within you, "that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you," and with that "faith unto repentance is brought about the great and eternal plan of redemption." (Alma 34:16-17). You are brought into the loving arms of His mercy, encircled in the arms of safety.
Do not give up, do not despair. The Lord has the power to cleanse and the miracle of his forgiveness, and the humility to forgive oneself, are the greatest blessing imaginable. I testify of the Love of the Savior. His mercy and atoning power defy both description and bounds, but encompass every personal ache and heartrending sorrow.
"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God." (Moroni 10:32).
May you too reach the point where you too may thus testify of the "power of God" I pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
1999 Karl Kowallis
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